she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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