If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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