What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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