what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
