The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
