Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i need some magic done to my vagina
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
