I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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