We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize