i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
