if we break up, who will get the dealer?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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