I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
