needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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