i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
