Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
