Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
did you just send me my own nude
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
