This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
