i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
