Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
