either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
