i'm lost and i look like a hooker
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
