I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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