don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
