So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
