Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
