I think I won the penis lottery.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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