I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
