we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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