i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
