The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize