I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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