i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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