i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
