I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
