did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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