how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
