He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
