you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
