Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
