i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
