There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
