I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
