you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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