I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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