are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
