He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
