just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
