Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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