I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
a search helicopter?!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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