Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
