Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
