I think my vagina is haunted
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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