I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
