i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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