did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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