Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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