conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
