cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
