You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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