I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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