I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize