spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
